"all i know is that i don't know..."

every one of us feels that there is something missing in our lives. i don't know if what i'm missing is my own child or hope for humanity. maybe i refuse to accept the sadness and tragedies in life. maybe i am getting tired of it. or maybe it's the confusement that's consuming me and i am missing certainty and a real sense of self.

i don't know whether to burn sage or cigarrettes, whether to wear the short skirt or the baggy linen pants, whether to purchase from an organic farmers' market or from the carniceria down the street. do i ditch the sinners for the hippie do-gooders, stay calm/peaceful/and quiet or start a rampage and go absolutely mad at the motherfuckers out there? all i've concluded from being immersed in both is that each one is good for the individual who likes it while i am stuck on that wire fence, one leg on one side, the other leg on the other side while my damn crotch is hurting like hell. in other words, what i've come to realize is that i don't like being in the middle, being "open-minded", being perhaps too knowledgeable. i've been in both and must choose one--and if that is a sorry conclusion then so be it. i know i ain't happy.

maybe i am that beautiful swan or that ugly duckling, whichever way you want to look at it, and i just haven't found my flock. i haven't yet felt a sense of belonging and i pray that i will some time some day. i have to admit that i may be "open-minded" but am also choosy with friends, am definitely not trusting of others, am too bored with mindless, meaningless chatter (where have i heard this before?). where are you, people of content and quality? do you only exist in this stupid screen or are you real? are you right in front of me and am too skeptical and cynical to think anything of it? have i not found you yet because i have to first accumulate more knowledge and make myself whole. perhaps i make myself whole and sure first before it comes or does it come first before i feel complete. i don't know!