"all i know is that i don't know..."

every one of us feels that there is something missing in our lives. i don't know if what i'm missing is my own child or hope for humanity. maybe i refuse to accept the sadness and tragedies in life. maybe i am getting tired of it. or maybe it's the confusement that's consuming me and i am missing certainty and a real sense of self.

i don't know whether to burn sage or cigarrettes, whether to wear the short skirt or the baggy linen pants, whether to purchase from an organic farmers' market or from the carniceria down the street. do i ditch the sinners for the hippie do-gooders, stay calm/peaceful/and quiet or start a rampage and go absolutely mad at the motherfuckers out there? all i've concluded from being immersed in both is that each one is good for the individual who likes it while i am stuck on that wire fence, one leg on one side, the other leg on the other side while my damn crotch is hurting like hell. in other words, what i've come to realize is that i don't like being in the middle, being "open-minded", being perhaps too knowledgeable. i've been in both and must choose one--and if that is a sorry conclusion then so be it. i know i ain't happy.

maybe i am that beautiful swan or that ugly duckling, whichever way you want to look at it, and i just haven't found my flock. i haven't yet felt a sense of belonging and i pray that i will some time some day. i have to admit that i may be "open-minded" but am also choosy with friends, am definitely not trusting of others, am too bored with mindless, meaningless chatter (where have i heard this before?). where are you, people of content and quality? do you only exist in this stupid screen or are you real? are you right in front of me and am too skeptical and cynical to think anything of it? have i not found you yet because i have to first accumulate more knowledge and make myself whole. perhaps i make myself whole and sure first before it comes or does it come first before i feel complete. i don't know!

i put my anger into something else -- not to stir the mundane lives of others or to cause drama just for the sake of attention or to seek revenge. i put my anger into positive actions -- i refuse to do the same kind of harm that others have caused me. you can call me passive or a push-over but i call myself strong. like they say, there's more strength in loving than in hating. i am not passive as i use the negativity surrounding my life and turn it into something positive. i am not a pushover because even in the most tumultuous times, i am still standing. i do get angry but i take a moment to think things through and use that anger to fight for a better cause. revenge doesn't put a smile on my face, it only hinders it. stir things up inside of me if you will but i will let your faith decide what to do with you. meanwhile i have my own business to take care of -- i am too busy being happy than to waste my time trying to think of ways to get back at someone. it doesn't do anyone any good.

it's hard to stay afloat. some days i wake up and i have this natural smile on my face and i'm truly happy and excited for the day to come and then outside forces come to try to knock you down. i'm having a hard time trying to keep my head up. nevertheless i need constant inspiration and positive influences around me.

...

or sometimes just a good chocolate shake ...

i went to the liquor store in the middle of the night, and yes, i succumbed to the devilish act of smoking -- sometimes your only friend is your enemy -- and i bought this chocolate shake that comes in a sealed container. you open the lid and slide it into this weird contraption that pushes it into a blender and mixes it up the way you like it -- light, regular, or thick i think it was -- basically a whole big fiasco for a small drink. suffice it to say that it was all worth it in the end because it was fucking bomb. never mind that what read behind the lid was "you are now 99% happier" -- and wouldn't you know it, the damn thing was tellin' the truth! chuck the smokes, that chocolate shake saved my sanity for the night.